Dear Diary
by angelkatchan
Summary: Gakuto has gone off to university. A diary entry explaining a new relationship, his shattered self confidence, and his desire to get back to Yuushi. What he doesn't know is that Yuushi misses him too.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dear Diary

Fandom: Prince of Tennis- Mukahi Gakuto

Characters: Mukahi Gakuto

Prompt: 84 - He

Rating: PG

Word Count: 945

Summary: a diary entry during Gakuto's time with Yamato. It's towards the end of the relationship, so there's angst and bitterness. Gakuto feels as if he's hit bottom, and desperately wants to get his life back

Disclaimer: I still don't own them. I wish I did.

A/N: this is a reworked diary entry of mine from 4 years ago. I needed something to show the pain that Gakuto is feeling, so what better way than to use personal experience. I know things repeat themselves, but I'm leaving it this way. It's a diary entry; it's not supposed to be coherent. (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

Dear Diary

One year left. That's all I have. I can make it; I have to. I need to get away though. I want to run, but I don't want to throw away four years of school to get away from one asshole. I can't take it any more!

I look at another person and he freaks. I'm not supposed to think of him as a boyfriend; how could I when he's getting married next year. He tells me that I have to start looking for someone to replace him, but as soon as I take an interest, he loses it. I don't even have to be interested in the person sexually, and he gets jealous. I wish he'd make up his mind. I know I'm not much, but I'd like someone who wants me, not just my body.

I want someone who wants to talk to me about anything; the weather, books, movies, anything! Instead, I get someone who walks into my apartment, locks the door, drops his pants and tells me to suck it. If I don't do it right away, he forces me. Thank god he's never ripped any hair out. It's felt like it, but it hasn't happened yet.

When did I become so pathetic? I was never like this. Hell, I had a backbone four years ago. Why did I change? Was I that desperate after high school? Did I want someone to love me that much? I know this isn't love, but at least he's paying attention to me. I should be happy for that. I don't want to be alone.

Can I leave him? What's going happen after I'm finished school? Should I go back home? Will he let me leave? He tells me almost every day now that he doesn't need me. He gets pissed off at me when I tell him he should stay away. I know I shouldn't say anything; it pisses him off. I can't help it though. I want something for me. Yamato is an ass. I know he'll read this. I'm not allowed to keep anything from him. At least he's not here now. I'm lonely though. I make no sense.

I should call Yuushi. He always seems to know what to do. I don't want him to know about this though. I don't want him to know how low I've fallen. I'm dirty; he won't want me after this. I wouldn't blame him; I wouldn't want me either.

I must have been desperate. Yuushi didn't want me; he only wanted to be friends. I'm fine with that, really. No matter what, he's my best friend. We've been through a lot together. Those years during high school were the worst, well, not really the worst. They can't even hold a candle to what's happening now. Still, sorting out the inheritance, making sure my mother stuck to the rules set out for her, finding someone to look after Kousuke; that was hard.

This, I can't even begin to describe what this is like. I hate myself, hate what I've become. I'd kill myself, but then there wouldn't be anyone around to watch Kousuke. He's still too young; he wouldn't understand. I can't force something like that on him.

I'm dirty, that's what I am. I'm exactly what he says I am. I'm a bit of a slut (I wouldn't look for other guys if I wasn't that way) and I'm worthless. I wouldn't let something like this happen to me if I was worth something. When did I become so pathetic?

When did he change? That first year was perfect. I thought it was just the two of us, I thought I would be happy. For a bit, I was. Then the comments started; not too bad at first, I didn't notice them in the beginning. Things like "I hope you know I'm not always going to be around" and "do you really need it that badly?" I still remember the first time he got mad when I looked at another guy. The anger, I couldn't believe it. He'd just finished telling me that I wouldn't always have him around and I should look for someone else. I thought I was doing what he wanted. I started talking to the new guy at work. He was nice; smart and good looking. He was tall, which reminded me of Yuushi. Maybe that's what set him off, I still don't know. I should have known better.

He was waiting for me when I got home; that was something that rarely happened. I barely had the door shut before he grabbed me and dragged me to the bedroom. That was the first time he told me I was a slut. I couldn't believe it; I hadn't been with anyone else. Though Yuushi and I fooled around, Yamato was the first person I'd had sex with. He's the only person I've had sex with. He doesn't believe me though. God he was rough that night. At least I didn't bruise as bad as I thought I would. Since that night, things have been different.

I have to tell him where I'm going. I have to tell him who I'm going to be with. If I don't call him when I get home, he shows up at the door. If I ask about his fiancée, he gets mad. "It's none of your business!" that's the answer I get. He says nothing will change when they get married. He doesn't know I'm planning on going back to Tokyo. I can't tell him. I'm scared. What if I am the slut he says I am? Will Yuushi still want me?


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Plagued by Memories

Fandom: Prince of Tennis- Mukahi Gakuto

Characters: Oshitari Yuushi, mentioned – Mukahi Gakuto

Prompt: 10 – Years

Rating: G

Word Count: 355

A/N: It's been four years, and Yuushi hasn't seen Gakuto. The separation is more than he can take.

Disclaimer: It's the next day, and I still don't own them.

It had been years since he'd last seen Gakuto. They talked on the phone, but those conversations were strained. When he hung up, he always felt as if he'd failed. He was getting used to that; he'd failed his best friend.

The day before he left, Gakuto told Yuushi how he felt. It was awkward, it was sweet, and it was completely unexpected. It was surprise that kept Yuushi from answering. Gakuto interpreted it as indifference, rejection even. Later that night, Yuushi called to try to explain himself. Gakuto said it didn't matter. If there was to be anything else between them, Yuushi would have said so at that time. He didn't, so Gakuto was sure he was nothing more than a friend. He then refused to talk more about it and made plans for Yuushi to meet him at the airport.

As he left, Gakuto assured Yuushi nothing would change. They were best friends; that would always be the same. Yuushi again tried to explain, to tell Gakuto that he was surprised by the confession. Yuushi had always believed that _he_ would be the one to confess first. He knew Gakuto didn't trust easily, so his confessing first went against everything Yuushi thought he knew of his best friend. True to form, Gakuto refused to listen. He boarded the plane with no plans to return.

Whenever Yuushi thought of Gakuto, it wasn't of Gakuto in the middle of a match, in the middle of a moonsault; it wasn't him taunting their opponents across the court; it wasn't the way his hips swayed as he walked away from a very pissed off Shishido. Those things were always there, but what he first thought of was his best friend turning away, tears in his eyes.

That was four years ago. Four years without cursing. Four years without flipping. Four years without that small body fitting perfectly against his. Four years he would never get back. How much had Gakuto changed in that time? Would he still feel the same? Yuushi had to find out. He couldn't let another year go by. He wanted his partner back.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Lowest of the Low

Fandom: Prince of Tennis- Mukahi Gakuto

Characters: Mukahi Gakuto, Yamato

Prompt: 071 - Broken

Rating: NC-17

Word Count: 582

Summary: Thankfully, the last time Gakuto sees Yamato. Unfortunately, it's not pretty.

Disclaimer: I still don't own them.

A/N: A special think you to ladyofwater who beta'd this for me. I appreciate it more than you know. That being said, this is graphic; I'm warning you now. There is talk of sex, forceful sex, and it's not pretty. This is what it's like when you have a partner that doesn't care for you, than wants to hurt you, emotionally if not physically. It's my experience; it is probably not the same as what others have dealt with. If you haven't had to deal with it, then I am envious. I've decided to try to use my writing as a method of healing.

"You're such a slut for this cock, aren't you? You'll do anything for it. You're such a little slut, but only for me." It was the same every time he came over- Gakuto didn't understand why he kept going back. In the end, Yamato left him a broken pile of flesh on the bed.

"Bitch, you're not sucking hard enough. I won't put it in unless you suck harder." Yamato reached down, grabbed a fistful of Gakuto's hair, and proceeded to literally choke Gakuto on his cock. After the third thrust into his mouth, Gakuto had had enough.

"Do you want me to suck it, or puke on it?" A backhand to the head was his answer.

"You will do what I say, when I say." As if to prove this, Yamato moved back. "Get on the bed. You're going to take the whole thing in your ass and I don't want to hear any complaints. Got it?"

With that declaration, Gakuto found himself lifted off the ground and thrown onto the bed. Yamato followed, grabbing hold of the waistband of Gakuto's pants. _At least I'm wearing warm up pants, _Gakuto thought. Nails raked down his hip, taking skin and drawing blood.

Looking down, Yamato sneered. "I can do that to you. You can't do that to me. Just how would I explain something like that when I got home? You, you have no one to explain these things to. Nobody cares what happens to you."

_Why am I doing this?_ Gakuto asked himself for the third time that night. _Why do I let him in the door? I'm lonely, that's why. I moved away from everyone. I wanted something new, something exciting. Hell, something more than tennis. I got away from it. I got a literal pain in the ass. Yuushi would never do this to me, and now I've lost him. I was too scared and….._

His thoughts were interrupted by familiar pain. Sure, Yamato was using a condom. "_I don't want to catch anything from __**you**_"he had said the first time. What he didn't bother with was lube, nor anything to prepare Gakuto for the upcoming invasion.

"Fuck, you're so tight. I'm gonna come already."

Gakuto didn't have to wait long. In a matter of seconds, Yamato came. For a moment, Yamato's arms began to buckle, but he recovered quickly, grasped the base of his cock and condom, and pulled out; a breath later, he was fastening his pants.

"You'll have to clean up a bit. There's a little blood." adjusting his clothes and checking his hair in the mirror, he walked to the door.

"Now that school's over for the year, I'll call you," Yamato called over his shoulder. Not getting a response, he shut the door.

Gakuto rolled onto his side, ignoring the come-filled condom that stuck to his leg. He didn't bother holding the tears back.

_How pathetic am I? I always let him come back, after every thing that's happened. This is the last time. I can't take it any more. This isn't what I want for my life. How did things get so bad? Maybe I should just go back. Will he take me back? I don't want to be alone. _

Slowly, carefully he got up, walking to the shower. Turning on the hot water and stepping into the spray, Gakuto scrubbed himself as if he could remove the skin Yamato touched. While he scrubbed, he planned; he had to get Yuushi back.


End file.
